I do not know who else to tell. I am not close with anyone else in my life.
I feel an immense emptiness. I also feel profoundly helpless, because I know there was nothing I could have done. Not really. And I think I’m in shock, and I keep telling myself maybe it isn’t real. I keep hoping she is alive, in a hospital somewhere, and will make a full recovery.
I don’t know how it happened. She used to talk about killing herself a lot. She told me things like she would rather die than be alone forever, for reasons I don’t think I have a right to mention here. There were other reasons, too. She was often hopeless, like myself. She was also a religious person and believed in God and an afterlife. Something we didn’t share in common, and I think might be part of the reason I am still here and she is not.
I’ve been so depressed lately, for several months it’s been worse. We stopped talking as often, I think partly because of that. But I also realize now, in retrospect, that she withdrew from me. We used to text each other almost every day. Since November, our communication became less and less. I went back and read through our text messages over and over again. On New Year’s she texted me and she was talking about how much she was looking forward to a new decade, and how she was going to improve her life or die trying. Later that day she texted me and said that she was anticipating something terrible to happen in two weeks and that if it happened, she was going to kill herself. I feel so stupid that I did not check on her during that time.
I keep crying my eyes out and then feeling this horrible calm. I don’t know which one is worse. I told her to please not say things like that, about killing herself, and that if she ever did it I would miss her so much that I would probably kill myself as well. I think maybe that’s part of why she didn’t tell me. But I don’t know.
I miss her so much already. I’ve never met anyone whose personality was so similar to mine. She had a really dark, cynical sense of humor like I do, and we used to talk for hours and we would make each other crack up even when we both felt like shit. We used to joke about getting married because we would make the perfect lesbian couple. We had these ridiculous dreams of traveling the world and moving to Paris or Milan or Gothenburg together. I think now maybe we talked about that to try to make our lives more bearable. I’m not sure it would have ever been possible, but she told me she would do anything to have that kind of future.
I hate talking about this, because it feels like I’m making it too real and irreversible. I’m not angry at her. I don’t think she was selfish. But I feel very alone now. Alone like I was before her, but there’s a horrible empty void again. It feels bigger this time, and darker. I feel sad for her because she suffered. In some way, I feel like I can’t understand why she went away, because she used to tell me the things I’ve told her about my life were infinitely worse than hers, and now I can see her smiling and telling me that just means I’m stronger than her, like she used to say. I don’t believe that. I’ve just been languishing for the last 15 years or so, because I am too afraid to leave.
Have never been in a situation like that…but please keep in mind that you have all my support for anything that you want or need.