My best friend passed away

I do not know who else to tell. I am not close with anyone else in my life.

I feel an immense emptiness. I also feel profoundly helpless, because I know there was nothing I could have done. Not really. And I think I’m in shock, and I keep telling myself maybe it isn’t real. I keep hoping she is alive, in a hospital somewhere, and will make a full recovery.

I don’t know how it happened. She used to talk about killing herself a lot. She told me things like she would rather die than be alone forever, for reasons I don’t think I have a right to mention here. There were other reasons, too. She was often hopeless, like myself. She was also a religious person and believed in God and an afterlife. Something we didn’t share in common, and I think might be part of the reason I am still here and she is not.

I’ve been so depressed lately, for several months it’s been worse. We stopped talking as often, I think partly because of that. But I also realize now, in retrospect, that she withdrew from me. We used to text each other almost every day. Since November, our communication became less and less. I went back and read through our text messages over and over again. On New Year’s she texted me and she was talking about how much she was looking forward to a new decade, and how she was going to improve her life or die trying. Later that day she texted me and said that she was anticipating something terrible to happen in two weeks and that if it happened, she was going to kill herself. I feel so stupid that I did not check on her during that time.

I keep crying my eyes out and then feeling this horrible calm. I don’t know which one is worse. I told her to please not say things like that, about killing herself, and that if she ever did it I would miss her so much that I would probably kill myself as well. I think maybe that’s part of why she didn’t tell me. But I don’t know.

I miss her so much already. I’ve never met anyone whose personality was so similar to mine. She had a really dark, cynical sense of humor like I do, and we used to talk for hours and we would make each other crack up even when we both felt like shit. We used to joke about getting married because we would make the perfect lesbian couple. We had these ridiculous dreams of traveling the world and moving to Paris or Milan or Gothenburg together. I think now maybe we talked about that to try to make our lives more bearable. I’m not sure it would have ever been possible, but she told me she would do anything to have that kind of future.

I hate talking about this, because it feels like I’m making it too real and irreversible. I’m not angry at her. I don’t think she was selfish. But I feel very alone now. Alone like I was before her, but there’s a horrible empty void again. It feels bigger this time, and darker. I feel sad for her because she suffered. In some way, I feel like I can’t understand why she went away, because she used to tell me the things I’ve told her about my life were infinitely worse than hers, and now I can see her smiling and telling me that just means I’m stronger than her, like she used to say. I don’t believe that. I’ve just been languishing for the last 15 years or so, because I am too afraid to leave.

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Don’t know what to say…except that I’m so sorry for your loss :frowning: Have never been in a situation like that…but please keep in mind that you have all my support for anything that you want or need.

A big hug from the distance! Try to keep strong and rely on us, as we’re a big dark flame…

Take care!

This is a tough one. I’d say definitely seek a therapist, it really helps! Especially if you do not have people close to you IRL, seeking help from a professional is ideal. It’s that you are going through some things and need to vent them out and find new ways to handle them. I have a friend who lost her mom and she sees a therapist to help her with her loss. She has a lot of questions and no answers and improving her mindset is the next best thing.

I think AFI brings us sad people together, which is a good thing because you aren’t alone ever here in the DF. Their music has helped me through very tough times (including when I more recently wanted to die when I was very betrayed and heartbroken, I listened to Burials over and over until I realized there is so much to live for, with afi’s music/existence being one of those things). I have since talked more openly with people I know (chances are some of them feel as you do and also need someone to talk to) and am currently looking for a new therapist since the last one I had passed away from old age/natural causes.

This shit isnt easy, so keep expressing your feelings and venting, whether just to us fans/friends or to a professional it will HELP!

Stay strong and remember that you always have a home here with the DF.

I went through a similar situation (with acquantance and not a best friend) and the best advice I can give that worked really well for me is go to therapy

@Vanished This hits very close to home for me, almost every aspect about it. Last month was the fifth anniversary of my best friend passing. I remember her asking for me to get her out of the location she was, she had been (essentially) homeless since right before I met her when she was 15 and I was 16. I would give her a place to stay whenever she wasn’t in a ‘relationship’. Anyway, I told her I was moving back Dec. 2014 two months prior, and that she was welcome to stay with me and that how everything would be alright. We didn’t really share the same personalities, but rather brought out the necessary qualities in each other as long as we were together.
She died 11 days before I arrived back in Dallas.
She had some sort of faith as well, where as I did not. We had always talked about getting married. We had been through more than most people do in a lifetime, which I suppose meant one of us had to use up our ninth life. Since then I have been in two comas, and died four times. We relied and depended on each other. I saw that as soon as I had processed her death… far too late.
I do not have anything uplifting to say on this matter. Most people say the pain “lessens” after a long enough period of time. I disagree with these people. The more people you are close to die, the more numb you become. This does not make things easier, but is necessary in life. The world is a cruel place, but with age comes wisdom.
I would be happy to talk about anything in a more private setting, such as a message, or even phone call if you are in need of someone to talk to. I usually start this song in this manner: “Twist it!” Which turns to “…in the glitter in the dark, sunk in to velvet. Praying this will never end.”

Before I know it I’m bawling this “You land as lightly as the new snow.
Cinematic.
You land as lightly as the new snow
And melt away.”

I am truly empathetic, and will try and help in any way I can. It’s a roller coaster of hysteria and you never know when you’ll need someone to talk to for whom you can relate as well as rely. I do not hop on this site much as of late, but I will message you my email and phone number. I think we could probably help each other with coping with our losses.

I am sorry if this message was more of a downer than you had wanted, but I’m assuming like me, once you typed enough down, it felt more real than before. I have cried myself out over this matter, which later on, reminds you you have a heart.

-Charlie.

@Vanished I am sorry for your loss… and I’m also sorry it took me this long to reply.

I can relate to feeling alone and empty from years ago. My best friend pretty much betrayed me and I cut ties without even saying anything… I just dropped off the face of the earth… I felt so alone and empty. I hate to say it but even AFI music didn’t help me here… I needed something faster. I started listening to Slipknot and Stonesour. I remember trying to fall asleep or of boredom and hoping and wishing that I would wake up to a text message of someone just saying “Hi”… and nothing.

I can’t even imagine what you’re going through… I just want to thank you for giving us your story here and reaching out to us. That really means alot… we’re here for you…

I found out today that she faked her death so that she could abandon me without having to tell me. She didn’t have the balls to tell me the truth.

Thank you all for the kind responses. I’m really beginning to question if it’s really true that the problem has always been me.

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Sorry, but this sounds like someone you may not need in your life anymore… sounds like they’re trying to pull you down…

Funny, she said the same thing about me…