I’ve always been drawn to Satanism, but my mother’s Catholic. Whenever I feel safe with Leviathan just sitting on the chair doing nothing, God comes in my space and starts drawing me out of my respite. I have to keep in mind that I have sinned. I’m right at home with Saintism
I know this is a recurrent issue for you and as I’m sure I’ve said before, no one but you can ever know who you truly are or what you truly believe. If you want my opinion, no one is a ‘sinner’ and no one is ‘pure’ or ‘innocent’ either. We’re all just stumbling around in the dark, making mistakes, but trying to do what we believe to be the right thing. Instead of trying to please a Higher (or Lower?) power, you might feel less torn if you focused more on the here and now, this life and the people you love and who love you. You seem like a lovely person and I hope you find what you’re looking for within yourself.